


Her Name Was Hope

by Eien_Ni



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Discussion of Abortion, Implied Mpreg, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-05
Updated: 2016-09-05
Packaged: 2018-08-13 06:07:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7965475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eien_Ni/pseuds/Eien_Ni
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi runs a gentle finger down the tiny slope of her nose, presses a kiss to her forehead. “I think she has your nose.”</p><p>“The poor child,” Erwin sighs sadly, shaking his head. “Hopefully, she has your eyebrows.”</p><p>Levi glances up. “I don’t see anything wrong with your eyebrows.”</p><p>“You know what they say. Love is blind.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Her Name Was Hope

**Author's Note:**

  * For [EllenD](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EllenD/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Life in Unexpected Places](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3985567) by [EllenD](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EllenD/pseuds/EllenD). 



> It's best to read 'Life in Unexpected Places' before this, as you will likely be lost if you don't.

Something wakes Levi in the middle of the night. Blearily, he lifts his head enough to squint at the window. From the tiny sliver between the curtains, he can make out that it’s still dark, still too early for the sun to have risen.

The sound stirs him again, just as he’s about to fall asleep. He groans and reaches over, jabbing Erwin in the side. “Erwin, wake up.”

Erwin mumbles something sleepily as he stretches.

“Wake up,” Levi repeats with a harsher punch. “It’s your turn.”

“I’m awake, I’m awake,” Erwin yawns as he sits up, running a hand through his hair as he pushes himself to his feet.

Levi snuggles back under the covers, closing his eyes though he doesn’t sleep. Instead, he listens to Erwin’s heavy footsteps move down the hallway towards another room. Listens to the soft voice he only uses with one person. Listens as the quiet crying turns into cooing.

He smiles and allows himself one last second of being surrounded by warmth before he sits up, resting against the headboard as he waits. A minute later, Erwin appears in the doorway, cradling a tiny baby in the crook of his arm. No sooner is Erwin seated on the bed than does Levi immediately reach out with eager hands to take her.

Erwin chuckles as he relinquishes his hold carefully. She’s only a few days old, and her head needs to be supported properly. “You know, if you wanted to hold her that badly, you could have gotten her yourself. And don’t think for a moment that I didn’t know it was actually your turn to get up.”

“Shut up,” Levi says half-heartedly. He runs a gentle finger down the tiny slope of her nose, presses a kiss to her forehead. “I think she has your nose.”

“The poor child,” Erwin sighs sadly, shaking his head. “Hopefully, she has your eyebrows.”

Levi glances up. “I don’t see anything wrong with your eyebrows.”

“You know what they say. Love is blind.”

Levi snorts but doesn’t reply. While neither of them have actually said ‘I love you’ out loud, they both know it’s true. Perhaps, he muses, they’re scared that saying it will jinx everything that they are, that the minute the words are spoken, one of them will be ripped from this world. In any case, there are other ways to show your love other than speaking about it.

“Actions speak louder than words,” Levi mumbles.

“Hm?” Erwin raises a questioning eyebrow, tilting his head as he studies Levi.

“Ah, nothing. Just thinking aloud,” Levi explains around a yawn. “Better get her bottle before she starts crying again.”

The mattress shifts as Erwin stands, and Levi continues to hold her close, bouncing her lightly as she begins to fuss. He hopes that Erwin is quick, since he hasn’t mastered how to comfort a crying baby. Feeding and burping her are easy. He will even change her shitty diapers, if only because he’s worried that no one else will clean her well enough, but when she’s crying? Forget it. He thinks it’s because he’s never really been one to comfort people. When he tries, it’s always stilted and awkward, and leaves him anxious to get away.

“Erwin, hurry the fuck up,” he says when he hears Erwin in the hall, raising his voice just enough for him to be able to hear.

“Language,” the commander admonishes teasingly as he enters the room, holding a warm bottle in his hand.

Levi rolls his eyes. “She’s four days old. I highly doubt that she’ll be able to learn that kind of language this quickly, even though both of her fathers are geniuses.”

Erwin hums as he holds out the bottle. “Flattery. May I ask what you want, Levi?” His tone is deep, nearly sensual.

“For you to hurry the fuck up so I can feed her, so she’ll quiet down.” The smaller man scowls and takes the bottle, only to pause. “Did you make sure it’s not too hot?”

“Yes, I did.” Erwin sighs and shakes his head as Levi tilts the bottle over his own wrist, a few droplets of milk landing on the skin.

“Good,” Levi says in satisfaction, pressing the nipple to her tiny mouth. She accepts it and begins to gulp the milk down greedily. He leans against Erwin’s left side as they both gaze at her.

“Our little Hope,” Erwin whispers, tracing a thumb down her cheek.

It’s an odd sight, Levi thinks, to see the hand that has killed many Titans carefully stroking Hope’s chubby face. To hear the voice that has ordered many men and women to their deaths cooing at her. As for himself, he never once imagined himself as a father, and now…

Now he has a little baby depending on him, and it terrifies him, to be honest, much more than striking Titans down. He’d feel bad about it except for the fact that Erwin confessed to him months ago that he was having the same doubts that Levi was, that they’d fuck this up - Levi’s words, not Erwin’s - and while Levi is sure that there will be mistakes made, he thinks that between the two of them, they can fumble their way through.

He yawns, just as Hope does, and he’s surprised to find the bottle empty already. He blinks his eyes and shakes his head, attempting to clear the drowsy feeling from his body. He feels Hope’s weight being lifted from his arms, and he panics before realizing that Erwin is taking her.

“You rest,” he says. “I’ll take care of her.”

Levi nods, slumping back down on the bed, and he’s asleep. The last sight he sees before his eyes close is Erwin, Hope in his arm, smiling down at him.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Levi sat up in bed with a startled cry, breaths coming heavy and fast. He raked his hands through his hair as he glanced to the other side of the bed.

Empty.

“Erwin?” Levi called out, but there was no answer. He must already be with Hope. Levi rose from the bed, tugging a shirt on, and padded into the hallway. “Er-” The name died on his lips.

The house he was in was small, the kitchen and living room combined, with a table pushed in a corner that had only one chair. There was only one other door that led to a room, and Levi knew that it was just the bathroom.

There was no baby. There was no Erwin.

It had all been a dream.

Stumbling backwards, Levi collapsed against the wall, both hands clutching at his stomach as he slid to the floor. Memories flooded back - telling Erwin that he was pregnant, Erwin’s distraught expression, the surgery, Erwin’s death.

Erwin’s death.

God, how could he have forgotten? It was all clear as day now, the stench of blood heavy in the air, the labored gasps of both Erwin and Armin, Hange’s quiet “He has already left us.” The aching, empty hole that Erwin’s death left never disappeared, though some might argue that Levi just needed more time. He knew the truth, though: the gaping hole would never be filled, no matter how many years dragged by.

Levi tilted his head back, staring blankly up at the ceiling. The dream had seemed so vivid, so real, that now he had to reorient himself with what was the truth. Erwin was dead. Their baby was dead before it even really had a chance to live.

He scoffed, frustrated, and rubbed a hand down his face.

How was it possible to miss something that one had never had in the first place? Besides, he hadn’t even wanted the damn baby. He’d only thought of it as a nuisance, something that stood in the way of his goal of killing Titans. But Erwin was different. Levi can remember waking up one night with Erwin’s arm wrapped tightly around his middle, his hand spanning his stomach, and he lay quietly as Erwin wept, unwilling to intrude on Erwin’s silent grieving. Neither one of them ever brought it up again, but it was there, haunting them in the background. Levi could see it in the way that Erwin resisted fucking him for a few weeks afterwards in the pretense of allowing Levi time to heal. Could see it in the way that Erwin always pulled out before he came, claiming that he knew Levi disliked messes and that this would save him time cleaning up.

Levi could see right through those fucking lies. He knew that Erwin had been terrified that it would happen again, that Levi would again be standing in his office, that Erwin would have to order him to see a surgeon again. For all that Erwin had been stoic and stern in his duties as a commander, ordering men and women into battle to die, Levi knew that a small piece of Erwin had died that day, and he couldn’t bear the thought of it happening once more.

If Erwin had survived - hadn’t been damned to death by Levi himself - would they have tried for another? Would it have even worked? But Levi didn’t have answers. All he had were questions, what if’s, and could have beens.

Regrets.

An almost hysterical laugh slipped free, but he couldn’t stop it, and he laughed and laughed until he was gasping for air and his eyes burned from tears. Hadn’t he once thought, years and years and years ago, that he would never regret this choice? That he would follow Erwin anywhere? He did, he fucking kept true to his promise, and he didn’t regret that. No, what he regretted was the words left unspoken, the life that they had created together condemned to die because it was conceived at an inconvenient time, and sometimes, he even regretted giving the serum to Armin, but that last one was quick-lived when it passed through his mind.

Yes, there were brief moments when he wished that Erwin were alive, but in that moment on the rooftop, he’d chosen to let Erwin rest, chosen to let him die peacefully as a human rather than a demon or a monster. But dammit if he didn’t also wish that he had fought to keep their child, because at least now he would have a piece of Erwin, something left behind other than memories.

But why now, Levi thought desperately. Why now was all of this being dragged up, ripping off old scabs and creating fresh wounds?

His gaze caught on scattered pieces of paper littering the floor, a stark reminder.

It was just bad luck that Levi had been in the nearest town - if twenty miles away could be classified as near - when it had been posted, that he’d been curious and read it. He could still see the words printed neatly in the parchment, proclaiming that the first child had been born into a Titan free world. Her parents weren’t people that he knew, but apparently this had been big enough news for fliers to be posted in every town. He didn’t remember much after reading it, just that he’d torn it down, purchased a shitton of alcohol, and gone back to his house, pushing his horse as fast as he’d dared.

Levi had done the math in his head while reading the flier, had seen the child’s birthday written in black. She’d been born the day that Levi had once, years ago, calculated to be his due date.

Her name was Hope.


End file.
